Honestly Speaking

What happens when we are honest?  Really honest. And not just with ourselves, but honest with others. When we stare our true self, our true feelings and our true reality right in the face and then open our mouths?

True vulnerability is in rare form these days. 

Thanks to social media and the constant presence of tweets and facebook updates, we are living in a 'best foot forward' type of society.

"Community" is all the rave. With things like Instagram, LinkedIn, Google+ and blogging, we are all connected all the time. Or so it seems. I mean, "keep instragraming" is like the modern day version of keep in touch.  People know where we are, who we are with, what we are doing, what we are eating and what kind of weather we're having along the way. 

Now before you go deciding this is my bark at social media, you should know that I am currently enrolled and present daily in the schools of blogging, Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin and hello I am all but addicted to Instagram, people. I live most of my days through artistic filters and clever captions. It's fun. I know. I get it. I am not saying it is bad. I just saying it is not always good.

What we have gradually, and I'll even give you unintentionally, created is the false self. The self that appears smart, clever, creative, spiritual and responsible online. The self that eats healthy, works out regularly, has well behaved and and well photographed children, runs a thriving business, has fabulous hairstyles and completes at least three pinterest projects a week. The self that struggles to keep up with the cyber joneses at all times and at all costs.  I KNOW. All I have to do is read a couple of really great posts on a well followed blog and I can temporarily decide to never write again.

When was the last time you told someone how hard life is? How much you desire to make God a priority daily, but don't? How much you struggle to love your spouse or be faithful in your marriage?  How some moments you wish so bad you could send your kids right back where they came from? How your life doesn't look anything like you thought or how hard it is to even trust God lately? How broken your heart is? How broken you are?

It's scary isn't it, being known? But it's the only way we can truly be free. Comfortable in our own skin. Okay with all our days, good and not so good. Okay with our whole self. Whole. 

So what happens when we're honest? I wrote this post several months ago and it's probably the most vulnerable I've ever been online. I shared some of my deepest hopes and dreams. It wasn't easy. Some days I wish I could take it back. But those are typically days when the enemy tries telling me how silly I am for struggling and even more silly for sharing. Lies, people, lies. Most days I'm glad I did it. Truth is community. And after all, we're better together than alone. 

In sharing my own truth I've learned that people typically respond to vulnerability in one of three ways:

People run. 

Sometimes the truth is more than people can handle. They don't know what to say or they don't understand our situation. The honesty is just too much for them and their response is not pretty. Our natural reaction is to decide to never open up again. We feel silly. We wonder what people think about our true heart. Or they flat out tell us what they think and we don't like it. 

People pity. 

Sometimes the truth makes people feel sorry for us. It's sort of like a giant pat on the head with the not so subtle inklings of "you poor thing".  We feel neither encouraged nor like we are not a complete loser. Yes that's a double negative. And indeed it is.

People cheer. 

Often the truth makes people grateful. They throw their arms in the air and give a flamboyant shout of "FINALLY!".  What relief to discover we aren't as crazy as we so often feel. We love knowing there are other people like us, who struggle like us, sin like us, fight, hope, dream and, at the end of the day, discover grace just like we do. 

What we are really looking for is a safe place. No masks. No pretension. No filters. And this requires level of vulnerability that surpasses what takes place online.

So what would your social life look like if you took away all forms of social media? I am not saying you should, I'm just asking what if? Who are your real friends? Where is your real sense of community? What is your day really like? Your family? Your devotion? Your spirituality?

Let's stop giving the impression of being real and make sure we actually are for real. And maybe, just maybe, we'll cheer some others on to freedom right along with us.

It's okay to not be okay. Just be honest. And surround yourself with people who will cheer you on in the process. 

In It to End It.

Find out more information about The End It Movement here.

{ Not } Just Another Birthday

This year for my birthday I want a family. 

When I was a little girl I had really strong desires. I knew what I wanted and I typically wanted 'it' pretty badly. In other words I had a really hard time hearing the word no. And I mean REALLY. HARD. TIME. Like the day I threw myself on the floor as a 12 year old because my mom told me I had to stay home while her and my sister went on a shopping trip. Yes, shopping.  But I really, really wanted to go. And somewhere in my head I decided, with much hope and very little respect, that a full on body flail, complete with kicks and screams would get my mother to change her mind. As if.

I still remember lying there, tear stained face into the kitchen floor, devastated.

Well I'm not a little girl anymore, but I still have really strong desires. Things I want. Things I am passionate about. Hopes. Dreams. Prayers. Lists. And if I'm honest sometimes hearing a no still leaves me reeling with devastation. Thanks to social norms and some maturity I get that it's completely inappropriate to throw yourself on the floor at 20 or 30. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you I can throw a fairly unattractive, all out kicking and screaming fit in my heart from time to time. What was that about maturity?

As a little girl I wanted things like candy, trips to the mall and sleepovers with friends. Things that in the moment seemed life altering and any form of no was earth shattering to my seven year old heart. The things I want today are things that have more significance. Things I believe are for God and seem 'good' to me. Things that I often have a hard time understanding why the Lord would refuse.

Two and a half years ago I left one of the best jobs I've ever had. A dream job really. I worked in a church singles ministry where I did mentoring, event planning and got to travel to amazing places, all in the name of relationship building and discipleship. Basically I met people for coffee and got paid. The coffee part was even paid for. Hence the dream. Topics of conversation ranged from jobs, family, ministry and theology to more vulnerable and bold topics like dreams, desires, hopes, marriage, dating and singleness. You see the group of women in my ministry were singles, anywhere from college students to women in their 40's. In my interview for the job I was asked this question, How will you handle it when a woman in her 30's or 40's comes to you {then 26} to talk about her struggle with singleness? I remember my answer perfectly. Well, I would answer her the same way I would a woman who's single at any age. Because the things that are true about God are true regardless of age or circumstance. 

He has a plan for you. It's perfect. He's perfect. He hasn't forgotten you. He loves you. He is intimately familiar with every desire of your heart. He knows and yes, even understands just how hard the journey can be at times.

As I confidently answered that question then, I believed it with all of my heart. As I think about the question now, seven years later, I know it's still true. But if I let all of my ugly out, I'll admit it feels a bit routine and believing it takes more of a fight to consume my whole heart lately. Neither of which removes even an ounce of truth. That's the beautiful thing about God.  We can't change him. And he's big enough for our tantrums. 

Sometimes in the midst of intense longings and hard seasons of waiting we begin to believe we are truth's exception.

When I graduated from high school I considered not going to college. *Gasp*. Remember I'm the girl with the big dreams and my big dream was a family. Well God had other plans and as it typically goes with someone who is sovereign, now one bachelors degree and lifetime of amazing opportunities later, I wouldn't change a thing. But at the time that was all my heart desired. My little brother can vouch for the number of times I made him play house as a kid. Like every day of his life. Bless his heart. And babies? You can bet I had at least six at once and they were all named, fed, dressed, well behaved and had a perfectly decorated corner of the basement to boot. Yes I had a really strong sense of reality, clearly. 

Then I grew up. 

I had things in mind for my life, but so did God. 

Every time he opened a door that wasn't quite what I expected, I laid aside my dream and hope for a family. That's just what love does. At times I did so with a faith so deep I knew it could only come by way of heaven. Other times the kicking and screaming going on inside my heart was almost unbearable.

But each time I laid my desires on the altar, God told me to trust.

And here is what He has so graciously shown me about my desires along the way:

1. Desire is good. 

A few years ago I taught a women's retreat session on waiting. The thing I love about this topic is it touches every stage. Aren't we all waiting for something? During my research for the lesson I came across a book that is chocked full of beautifully written truth about our hearts. "The Beautiful Ache" by Leigh McCleroy. Here's what Leigh has to say on the subject of desire. It's so good!

We are made to anticipate.....and we'll surely have more practice at it than we will at having whatever it is we wait for. But if we refuse to give ourselves over to the fullness of expectation we lose twice: we miss the richness in the longing and the joy that comes when the sun rises on the day we've hungered for. 

Can I be really bold with you for a moment. Ladies, gents, friends, strangers, anyone, everyone, to all who wait: The answered to our deferred hope is not apathy. God doesn't want us to sit in our waiting. He wants us to wildly dance in the wonder of His good ways. 

Let's not miss a second of the life God calls us to, even as we pray, hope and wait for the thing we wish he would call us to. 

So what do you do in the midst of the pause? What do I do?

Desire, want, hope, feel, ask, beg, cry, even kick and scream if you need to. Then remember the one who rules the universe and is intimately acquainted with you and me is way better at all this planning stuff than you or I could ever hope to be. And his way is better. Always. 

Pour your heart out to him. Pour...gush... it out to him, just like he says in Psalm 62. And then rest in his all sufficient arms.


2. Delighting in Jesus is not a part of the process, it's the whole entire thing.

Psalm 34 tells us that if we delight in the Lord he will give us the desires of our heart. 

This verse is so beautiful and yet so often misunderstood.  If we're focused on ourselves while reading, it can leave us feeling insufficient  and inadequate, like we're missing the mark. Don't have what you want? I guess you weren't delighting in God today. For shame. What's wrong with you. Get it together. Go read your Bible. Pray. Meditate. Delight. Delight. Delight. Today I WILL DELIGHT. 

Am I wrong in saying we think this way?  

Here's what the verse is saying to us. It's really simple.

Take great pleasure in Jesus, in knowing him, in being with him and simply in being his. As you do this, his desires for you will become you're own. It literally means he will put the desires in your heart. It doesn't mean he'll give you everything you want as long as you do the right things. 

Our Lord pleads for our hearts to want him more than we want anything else that exists in this world. He knows there is truly nothing better. And he aches that we would know it too. 


3. God has the best ideas.

The Scriptures tell us to dream, to hope, to plan. So if that describes you at all, keep at it. If it doesn't, ask God to search your heart for apathy and beg Him to bring your dreams to life. Then remember this wisdom so graciously given to us...

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.  Proverbs 16:9

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but the Lord's purpose prevails.  Proverbs 19:21

No matter what, we must believe that we are deeply loved beyond any outcome we may see.

So, this year for my birthday I want a family. I won't stop asking, believing, hoping. 

And God won't stop leading me simply to trust. 

Our need for an unfaltering trust in the love of God is the most urgent need we have.  {Brennan Manning}

So what is it you want?

Help us help dad!

I know you all are anxious to hear how my dad is doing. He has been in rehab for a little over a week now and he's taken several steps forward (YAY!!!)  I hope to write a separate post on that soon. 

In the mean time...

The long road to recovery continues. Dad faces a variety of victories and challenges each day. Thanks for continuing to pray for our family. So many of you have asked if there's anything you can do for us. [THANK YOU!!!!] You're love and prayers have meant the world. Just knowing you're still out there gives us strength to the face these days!  For those nearby, here are some tangible ways that your help would thrill our souls tremendously.

1. Come visit! Dad loves having people around him as he works to recover. It's amazing how much your faces boost his spirits after a long day of rehab and therapies. 11:30am-1pm and 4-8pm are the best times to come. He's at the Mercy Rehabilitation Hospital at Hwy 40 and Timberlake Manor Pkwy. Room 152. He would LOVE to see you!

2. Could you provide a meal? Nothing fancy or even home made required! Just some simple nourishment to aid in helping us help dad. Sara, Dave and I try to be there as much as we possibly can around work and families. But I'm especially asking for my mom's sake. She spends 8-10 hours per day at the hospital, as well as keeping up with the many businesses and responsibilities that my dad is used to overseeing daily. Some of our dear friends have put together an easy and organized meal sign up. If you're interested in helping out just head on over to the site, Take Them A Meal.

3. If you're handy at yard work my parents could use their lawn mowed regularly, as well as some light landscaping work done. Nothing too intimidating, we just don't want the neighbors thinking anyone has moved out!

It's crazy how you come to rely on a person in your life to take care of things, especially a father or husband. Our dad is one of the most hard working and giving people we know. His accident has definitely left us feeling like there's a whole in our lives. Which makes us even more grateful to have him and has opened our eyes to the things we sometimes take for granted.  

We are so very humbled by the number of people who have offered help and words of hope over the last 16 days. We cannot thank you enough for continuing to journey with us. 

For Better....and Yes, Even for Worse.

I have been to at least 100 weddings. Okay maybe not quite than many, but it has to be close. I am sure you have witnessed a few celebratory nuptials in your day as well. What is the most magical part, well besides watching the groom's face as his bride comes toward him or the pronouncement of "man and wife"? To me, it's the vows. The moment where the bride and groom commit all of themselves to each other for all time. I have heard a variety of vows in my "100". Some traditional, some original, most recited, some memorized (why oh why put yourself through such stress). But no matter the style or length they are always lovely, always heartfelt and most importantly, always a promise. To love someone forever. To be with them. To stay with them. For better. For worse. In sickness. And in health. Forsaking all others. As long as we both shall live. 

Now I've never been married. So I don't have these magical images of my wedding day running through my mind as I sit here and write. All I have is what one can imagine such a lovely day to be like.

I also have thoughts. Thoughts about what goes through a couples minds as they plan for their big day and prepare their vows. Do they think through each statement and play out different scenarios to make sure their really ready to commit? Or perhaps while wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of wedding bliss the bride and groom find themselves having a conversation (in their own heads, mind you) that goes a little something like this: 

"I ______ take you ______ (wow I still can't believe he picked me. I'm the luckiest women on the planet) to have and to hold from this day forward (I can't believe I get to wake up to this face everyday for the rest of my life. Be still my beating heart). For better or for worse (I can only imagine life with this guy getting better. And if it does get worse, we love each other so much I mean how bad can "worse" possibly be?) In sickness and in health (I love him today and I will love him through every cold, broken bone, case of the flu and yes even vomiting. I love him that much. I am that committed.)"  

Now before you start worrying that I'm living in a dream world and start thanking God that I haven't yet found "the one", stay with me. I do have a point here. 

Do you think the bride and groom to be ever play out a worse case scenario? What's at the extreme end of words like "worse" and "sickness" Do people talk about that prior to marriage? Is it something that's brought up in marriage counseling? "Commitment". It sounds pretty doable. And on the prenuptial side of life, it might be really hard to imagine the unthinkable will ever happen to you.  

My parents were 26 and 27 when they walked down the aisle and committed their forever lives to one another. Now 44 years later, as a daughter, I'm incredibly thankful that they have honored that commitment, for better and yes also for worse.. much, much worse. I'm sure as my dad watched my mom walk down the aisle towards him on that lovely fall day in October, he never imagined that his wife would suffer from seizures and be diagnosed with a benign brain tumor just one year later or that their future together would carry with it things like breast cancer, lawn mower accidents and temporary paralysis. 

My dad was just admitted to a rehabilitation facility. I walked into his new "home" for the first time last night. It was the first time I have ever set foot in any rehab facility actually. It was nearing meal time and patients were beginning to gather in the cafeteria for dinner. Part of the rehabilitation process is helping injured people attain to a "normal" quality of life. This means most residence leave their rooms to eat dinner in somewhat of a typical dining environment. The men and women admitted here have had all measure of things happen to them. Things like car accidents, lost limbs due to war, strokes, falls, etc. Everyone, if not confined to a bed, sits in a wheel chair and needs at least one other person present to help them do mostly everything. These people are completely dependent on someone else for their survival. Literally. 

On this particular visit, my dad had a rather long and intense morning in therapy and was completely exhausted. He requested dinner be sent to his room. As I sat their visiting with he and my mom, trying to talk about my day and find things to boost my dad's spirit, a slight tap on the door indicated that his dinner had arrived. I scooted myself out of the way and took a seat on the floor against the wall. My dad, typically strong and very independent, attempted to lie in his bed and eat his dinner. I then proceeded to sit and watch my mom feed my dad and then brush his teeth. Here she was living out the "for better", or in this case, worse, the "in sickness" part of her own vows, pledged to my dad over 40 years ago. 

And something inside of me broke. 

Not a hardened heart, shattered kind of broke. A humbling, broken kind of broke. You know, like the moment you realize you have no control over anything in your life. The kind of humbling where you wonder if you have any capacity within you to truly love another human being the way God calls us to love. That kind of broke.

Over the course of the last seven days I have watched our entire family's lives change. Phone calls, hospitals, tests, surgeries, waiting rooms, doctors, loving family and friends surrounding us and most of all miracles.  

And here is what I have learned:

1. The unthinkable does not always happen to somebody else, sometimes it happens to you.

2. The "for worse" side of life is made better as the Spirit of God and the Christian community show up. Both bring such a sense of peace and comfort in times of pain and uncertainty. 

3. A marriage commitment means standing together no matter what life throws your way. No matter how ugly, how uncomfortable or how lengthly. Commitments means sticking. 

My dad has shown himself to be strong and capable my whole life. He is a man with a strong determination, who gets things done. But there is something to be said for the kind of strength he has shown this past week while lying flat on his back, confined to a bed. The kind of strength that has reached out to hold our hands, chosen to trust God for a future that looks uncertain and let his wife care for him in ways that are humbling and difficult for any human being who has known even an ounce of self sufficiency. 

I cannot really predict what will go through my mind as I plan for my own wedding vows someday. I can only pray and hope that God will enable me to live out the same kind of love and commitment I have seen in my own mother and father display for one another during this dark time. 

Their love has been like a shining light here. And it is truly beautiful. 

Off to Rehab.

When my dad was brought by ambulance to the Trauma Center at St. John's Mercy last Wednesday night we were told a number of scary things:

1. He should be dead.

2. He should be paralyzed.

3. We can't promise he will ever regain the use of his legs.

4. He'll be in ICU at last a week.

Just two days later he was being moved from his room in ICU to a regular room on the neurology floor. Two days after that he was transferred here: Mercy Rehabilitation Hospital (pictured above). He's blown the doctors away with his progress. His surgeon told him that his motivation would take him far. After his first day of rehab at the regular hospital, where he had just taken his first 30 steps, my brother asked him how he was feeling. His reply, "I'm gettin' out of here!!" Anybody who knows him knows you can't get him down for long. And while I agree with the doctors that attitude predicts so much, we know it's secondary. Thanks to the use of technology and so many faithful friends, news of my dad's accident spread across the country literally in hours. And prayers of faithful men and women have been lifted up to heaven nonstop on dad's behalf for the past six days. We have seen His power and have felt His presence NONSTOP. There are no words to express our gratitude to you.

And we beg in these moments that you would not stop.  Dad's progress at this point will literally be a day by day assessment.  His pain is still great. A broken neck, spine and rib will do that to you. He will be in rehab, much like a full time job, from 9-3 each day with a break for lunch. We are being told that the estimated time he will spend here is 2-3 months. He has a very long journey ahead. Please pray for his strength, his attitude, his state of mind, patience with himself, patience towards my mom and his therapists and his intentionality to seek God in these days. Pray also for my mom who will be spending the majority of her time with dad at the rehab facility on a daily basis. Pray for her strength, patience and ability to love dad generously, as he is in great need these days. 

We are so grateful that you are with us and we desire for you to know that we still need you and we couldn't love you more.

May the love that you've shown us be returned to you in double portion!

The Love of Family...

After a really intense four days at the hospital I was so excited for Sunday morning and a chance to gather with my church family. I knew most of the people I would see were in the loop regarding my dad's condition and up to date on his current status. This meant a relaxed morning of just being with people without having to talk too much about everything going on. Boy was I ready for a much needed mental and emotional break, as well as some spiritual refreshment. Rik, one of our pastors preached on "covenant" and what it means to be a covenant member of North Church. It was a beautiful sermon about our commitment to Christ, to each other, to our neighbor and to the world, all for the sake of the gospel. I sat in my seat, completely exhausted and actually having a bit of a hard time focusing on what was happening around me. And yet somehow in spite of my exhaustion, I found Rik's familiar words resonating with my heart in a new way. This wasn't the first time we had talked about covenant. It's a defining pillar in our identity as a church. You're not just choosing a church to attend every Sunday. You're saying, I commit to walk alongside these people, push them toward Christ, challenge them towards repentance and allow them to do the same for me, carry each others burdens, celebrate each others victories, etc. 

If you've been to a gospel centered church and sat through any type of membership class, or the like...you know exactly what I'm talking about. So what was different about this particular church gathering?  I guess given all that my family has been through in the last week we all sort of have this heightened sensitivity to life. When you go through trauma it changes the way you look at things. So I suppose a new set of lenses would make me look at the idea of covenant differently. But I think it was more than that. I think the difference is it can be rather easy to talk covenant, but walking it out is a whole other thing entirely. Who doesn't want a group of people that they "belong" to? A place to fit? Isn't that exactly what we all crave? But the call to repentance, forgiveness, unconditional love, selfless serving, that part's not so easy. And that's the very thing that struck me as I sat in church this morning and as I thought back over the past four days of my life. Not only were we sitting there discussing this idea of a covenant commitment, we were living it...seeing it, hearing it, receiving it, with our very own eyes, ears and hands. And it transformed us. 

Phone calls. Texts. Meals. Visits to the hospital. Words of encouragement. Prayers for my dad. Prayers over my dad (literally). Prayers for my family. Prayers with my family. More meals. More texts. More calls. More visits. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. We have never had even a second of this tragedy where we have had to walk alone. And I don't for a moment want to take that lightly or for granted. If you're reading this and that doesn't describe the church that you are currently a part of...and I mean this in the most loving way possible...find a new one. Immediately. Because the church that you are attending does not have a true understanding of the gospel or the idea of a covenant commitment within you church family. The Gospel of Jesus transforms everything. It changes how we think, how we see, how we act, how we live. It causes us to love other people in unselfish ways that don't make any sense apart from Jesus transforming power.

So to my brothers and sisters at North Church, thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus Christ to me, Dave, Danielle, Mikail, Tobin and our entire family. You have loved us exactly like Jesus has called us to love each other. And our lives and our family will forever be better because of you. May we walk arm in arm to share this same love to our neighbors. With it we can watch Jesus change our little corner of the world in North County. And there will be nothing He won't do through us as a community for His name.

Before Rik began his sermon this morning he asked our community to gather around my brother Dave and me and pray for us. Not just for our dad, but for us. For our own hearts, our own minds, our own weary bodies. We were completely overwhelmed and humbled at this gesture. We sat there together, surrounded by our church family, hands on our heads, arms, legs and backs and we bawled like small children. And our very souls were nourished and ministered to so deeply in that moment.

After the prayer time, my brother, who is also one of the pastors, tweeted this:  "Pastors if you establish yourselves as THE minister, you're going to be in trouble when crisis comes and YOU need to be ministered to." Sometimes it takes more humility to receive than to give. A lesson that my dad is in the thick of presently. And something we're all learning at his side along the way. 

Thanks for ministering to a pastor and his family. We're forever grateful.